The Scars Are Still Fresh Dont Judge Me

Thinking of a title to this is really hard. I dont know where to start and i dont know exactly what i want to say! So ill just jump right in and start with my divorce with Troy.

So in 2012 i fucked up my marriage ill admit it. We tried working it out after but the way i saw it was i was finally able to live my teenage years in my early 20s. I was drinking and throwing parties like crazy when Troy had our kids. I had been tied down since 18 you bet ur sweet ass at 23 im gonna live it up. Anyways with all that came paying the bills by myself and needing a roommate to help. A girl named Tobie moved in, she was a little young but she paid rent on time and she was tons of fun. In March 2013 she was in a horrible car accident that took her and 4 others lives.  We  were all very heart broken and obviously i wasnt thinking clearly. A couple days after the accident her cousin DIPSHIT (nathan, who i aslo graduated with so known him for over 20 years)messaged me needing somewhere to stay and thought maybe i would let him stay in tobies room. Of coarse i didnt say no cuz obviously i love taking in strays (the scars are still fresh dont judge me)!! The first night he was here he didnt stay in her room or the couch he went in for the kill we were both still grieving and just cuddled.

Time goes by, by this time we are a couple and hes already into the I love u phase and im not quite ready for that bs. BY MAY yes MAY hes asked me to marry him have a baby with him and live happily ever after. HA NOT.

May 10th my entire family and I are on our way to Key West and the Bahamas. While on a cruise u cant use ur phone or ur being charged out the ass for roaming charges. Being so in love and unable to talk to Nathan it was the longest 7 days of my life. When I got back is when it went from I love you every day to GET THE HELL OUT every other week.

Heres where shit gets interesting. 

While I was gone on said cruise. Nathan was in my house driving my car had a little farm job that didnt make much so pretty much mooching. When I got back we were still in the honey moon stage and everything was GREAT. One weekend we are on our way to his aunts for a cook out. My phone goes off and idk how this crazy bitch got my number but its his ex sending me screen shots of their conversations from when I was gone that week. He was asking her for nude pictures offered to go see her in my car the whole 9 yards. I from then on lost all trust and all the love I had for him went out the window. He was out my house. What did I care I still had my 2 kids at the time he was nothing to me. 

Well I let him sweet talk his way back in and a week later he has his annual family reunion. ALSO the same day as my 25th birthday needless to say I was drunk as shit and had what I call my quarter life crisis and got pregnant.

August rolls around hes kicked out again still talking to his ex but then also trying to turn it around on me sayin im the one cheating when I learned my lesson with my first marriage Id never do that to anybody else no matter what they put me thru. Couple more months maybe 2 weeks before i go into labor in March 2014 we break up again for the same shit. The dr. induced me early cuz he was stressing me out so bad my blood pressure was sooooo high. FYI did I mention I was pregnant the same time the ex he left right before me was pregnant with his son. AND everytime I kicked him out he would go back to her or at least try to. smh.

Anyways so not only have I dealt with 3 other baby mommas through out this whole relationship but Ive put up with more than I should ever have too. The verbal abuse Ive gone through really stressed me out he always tagged along everywhere thinking I was meeting someone to cheat he was so clingy. I cant stand being sufficated. 

Feb. 2015 I had enough and try to leave when I did he threatend to kill me and burry me in the field at the farmers house we were living at. He had just had surgery on his knee so he was home all the time and I could leave not without him. A day after he had his follow up appointment which the dr released him for light duty and I was excited I could finally go and not be caught. The day I left my dad worked for an elevator down the road and I had him tell me when he was there to get gas. When I got the call I grabbed ANYTHING that would fit in the car and danika of coarse and left. I thought it would be ok since he was in a different county I had my house in Sunray he had that house in Stratford I wouldnt feel like Id have to take him back since u know he always cried cuz he had no where to go. Boy was i wrong as soon as he found out I left here come the tears he quits his 30,000 a year salary job and then he he comes movin back to Sunray TO LIVE IN HIS MOMS HOUSE  well that didnt last long cuz 2 days after that wants back in the house, and damn me for being a cuddler. So hes back in.

Even through all this CRAP he puts me through I finally get wedding fever and agree to marry him in Sept. 2015. Theres a nice ring this time and we set a date. I always told him I wont marry him until I get back down to my high school weight so he sets up this appointment with a dr. in guymon for some pills. I start going and instanly u can see the weight just melting off I was looking better my face was getting thinner. That my friends was like a trigger in this dudes brain that I am now fucking around and every dude wants me ect. NOTE we had this wedding planned forJune 2016 and lets just say all I spent was 200 for the deposit and that was it thats how long his engagment was. In Jan. I decide to throw a get together got drunk , him a little to much, and he then gets into a verbal argument with a co worker and my two brothers. This fight consisted of me cheating on him with the entire LONE STAR crew sleeping with my ex's ect. My brothers got to the point that if I stayed with him they were done with me too. Eventually Zeb (idiot) is called and nathan is told to leave.

I then knew I had to do something. So the only thing I could think to do was I was fixing to get my taxes so I need a lawyer. Literally cuz every time I try and tell him to leave to cool off he is taking my daughter. Using her as if Im going to beg him to stay so he wont take her from me. This last time was the last straw. We get to the point that im going to sleep on the couch. Ive had enough of his mouth so Im leaving to a different room. To him thats a big NO NO and its "why so u can go text the guy ur cheating on me with" and so on. So then he now offers to leave the house cuz hes so tired of me cheating and everything I do on my phone being a secret. While hes screaming danika wakes up and he then gets her dressed. By this time hes pissed im not beggin him to stay and keeps stalling like he thought I gave a shit. He then takes my debit card out of my car and withdrawls a good amount of money. Goes to dumas and gets a hotel. By this time the texts are rolling in. Im not saying anything to him that he can use against me in court Im playing it cool and its pissing him off. The next morning at 5 he demands to see my phone Im sure to see who all Ive been texting about his tantrum. He finds nothing so I MUST have already deleted them lol. At 8:30 I call the lawyer by 11 Im signing papers and by 6:10 hes served . Heres where Ill stop for now seeing as how I want to wait til after court on MARCH 8TH to reveal all the juicy stuff like screen shot messages and how things end badly for him .... stay tuned.

my life in a nut shell

When i was in Jr. High i NEVER in the world thought my life would be like it is today. ONE stupid night will ruin the way you think, act, and the way others see you as a person. I was never an A+ student i was always just average never applied myself to do better, never really cared.

Up until this "one night" i would say that i wasnt rebellious. I had attitude but what 13 yr old doesn't. UGH, ok THIS ONE night i was staying the night with my friend who will remain anonymous so we will call her friend, well me, friend, and a few other girls decided to go to the movies as we tried to make a thing of ours every week. We always went to the movies in Dumas .. of coarse i was the only white girl lol... if you knew me you knew i loved my girls and you also knew they were mexican. Well we obviously couldnt drive we were only 13 12 and 14. So we had Friend's brother take us and some times his friend would tag along. Well im not going to get into detail but that night i had my first kiss... i was 13 didnt know what the heck i was doing... he was 16. We had a lot in common our birthdays were so similar considering his was on the 7th and so is mine, our favorite number is 7, and so much more ... i thought i was in love ... i would have done anything for him, O to be young and in love. I WAS SO STUPID. I lied to make me look sexy in his eyes. I had braces and was a virgin for goodness sakes i didnt want him to think i was a dork.

( a few months later)

I thought i was so cool, i was experienced. I had an older/secretive guy interested in ME. i felt so lucky and privileged, i couldnt wait to tell just one person. I went to school told the first girl friend i saw. AND i shit you not that ONE night floated around the whole school and the next day i get a phone call on my "personal line" that my parents had set up for my 13th birthday. the phone call went a little something like this. " who did you tell", i said her name, and proceeds to tell me " well now my girlfriend knows". well i didnt know he had a girl friend he failed to mention that part. I was afraid to show my face in school everyone now knew me as the town whore and i was only with one guy. i stopped hanging out with "friend" because i was afraid she would be mad at me.

When your known, anywhere, as the town whore, every guys thinks, "well since you did this with this guy you will do this with me" .... well no it doesn't work that way. I didnt want to go to school i was scared to go to high school i was already "well known" to anyone that had been in the mens locker room.

THIS is why i would have rather of dated guys out of town.  Not only was it more convenient cuz they were out of town and i didnt have to see them all the time but it was also more convenient for me and my first love.
If it meant i had to sneak out on the weekends and some on the week days, or lying about where i was going, we were always together. Finally he left Sunray and i got tired of sneaking around i didnt want to be his booty call any longer, by the way i didnt know thats what i really was to him until i was 17, yes for 4 yrs i was a door mat and didnt even know it ... i cheated on ALL my boyfriend with him, he literally wouldnt take NO for an answer.

We actually tried to be boyfriend and girlfriend after the long years of being secretive. I was so excited we were official. Then one of his friends cornered me and asked me if me and him were dateing i said YES with a big smile on my face, he looked sad like he wanted me to be his girl and not his. He called HIM and asked him on speaker phone if we were dateing. He said NO. i was heart broken never wanted to see his face again... but of coarse i met up with him that night and told him out pissed i was at him and he told me he just isnt ready for everyone to know yet. UGh w/e ....


Well only my friends know the ending of this story and i guess all im trying to say is that all guys want is one thing. and as soon as you do what they want your life is no longer Yours to have ... they take the only thing that you as a young woman can call YOURS and then you have nothing but a reputation. I found out the had way about life and for the choices ive made i had to grow up faster than any teen should have too. i have regrets and my only regret was that ONE night. I constantly think to myself Y him, but sometimes i think Y not him, were we supposed to be together, is this the life i was suppose to live. O WELL i wouldnt trade this life for the world, my kids are my life and are all that matter.