Monday, January 3, 2011

my life in a nut shell

When i was in Jr. High i NEVER in the world thought my life would be like it is today. ONE stupid night will ruin the way you think, act, and the way others see you as a person. I was never an A+ student i was always just average never applied myself to do better, never really cared.

Up until this "one night" i would say that i wasnt rebellious. I had attitude but what 13 yr old doesn't. UGH, ok THIS ONE night i was staying the night with my friend who will remain anonymous so we will call her friend, well me, friend, and a few other girls decided to go to the movies as we tried to make a thing of ours every week. We always went to the movies in Dumas .. of coarse i was the only white girl lol... if you knew me you knew i loved my girls and you also knew they were mexican. Well we obviously couldnt drive we were only 13 12 and 14. So we had Friend's brother take us and some times his friend would tag along. Well im not going to get into detail but that night i had my first kiss... i was 13 didnt know what the heck i was doing... he was 16. We had a lot in common our birthdays were so similar considering his was on the 7th and so is mine, our favorite number is 7, and so much more ... i thought i was in love ... i would have done anything for him, O to be young and in love. I WAS SO STUPID. I lied to make me look sexy in his eyes. I had braces and was a virgin for goodness sakes i didnt want him to think i was a dork.

( a few months later)

I thought i was so cool, i was experienced. I had an older/secretive guy interested in ME. i felt so lucky and privileged, i couldnt wait to tell just one person. I went to school told the first girl friend i saw. AND i shit you not that ONE night floated around the whole school and the next day i get a phone call on my "personal line" that my parents had set up for my 13th birthday. the phone call went a little something like this. " who did you tell", i said her name, and proceeds to tell me " well now my girlfriend knows". well i didnt know he had a girl friend he failed to mention that part. I was afraid to show my face in school everyone now knew me as the town whore and i was only with one guy. i stopped hanging out with "friend" because i was afraid she would be mad at me.

When your known, anywhere, as the town whore, every guys thinks, "well since you did this with this guy you will do this with me" .... well no it doesn't work that way. I didnt want to go to school i was scared to go to high school i was already "well known" to anyone that had been in the mens locker room.

THIS is why i would have rather of dated guys out of town.  Not only was it more convenient cuz they were out of town and i didnt have to see them all the time but it was also more convenient for me and my first love.
If it meant i had to sneak out on the weekends and some on the week days, or lying about where i was going, we were always together. Finally he left Sunray and i got tired of sneaking around i didnt want to be his booty call any longer, by the way i didnt know thats what i really was to him until i was 17, yes for 4 yrs i was a door mat and didnt even know it ... i cheated on ALL my boyfriend with him, he literally wouldnt take NO for an answer.

We actually tried to be boyfriend and girlfriend after the long years of being secretive. I was so excited we were official. Then one of his friends cornered me and asked me if me and him were dateing i said YES with a big smile on my face, he looked sad like he wanted me to be his girl and not his. He called HIM and asked him on speaker phone if we were dateing. He said NO. i was heart broken never wanted to see his face again... but of coarse i met up with him that night and told him out pissed i was at him and he told me he just isnt ready for everyone to know yet. UGh w/e ....


Well only my friends know the ending of this story and i guess all im trying to say is that all guys want is one thing. and as soon as you do what they want your life is no longer Yours to have ... they take the only thing that you as a young woman can call YOURS and then you have nothing but a reputation. I found out the had way about life and for the choices ive made i had to grow up faster than any teen should have too. i have regrets and my only regret was that ONE night. I constantly think to myself Y him, but sometimes i think Y not him, were we supposed to be together, is this the life i was suppose to live. O WELL i wouldnt trade this life for the world, my kids are my life and are all that matter.